okay. yes i have a tumblr. but i use my tumblr for all my art and stuff, and there's not a lot of room for me to go on tirades!! i wanna go on tirades :[ so i've collected all of my disorganized thoughts that won't fit on tumblr or on youtube here .
so i'm an autistic lesbian, so coming out and saying that i don't really know what affection is a massive understatement. however , what i DO know is that i don't have feelings for most of my friends. and i cuddle them. for some reason cuddling is seen as inherently romantic, which is weird asf. i wanna just cuddle my friends and have iot be seen as platonic. so why tf can i not do that? why are people weird about cuddling? don't be weird about cuddling guys. it's just cuddling it's not that deep
so ive seen famous people before. an actor from a very popular tv show once visited my choir class because of connections someone's dad had (i went to a very rich school at the time), and ive been to concerts. and from what i know about famous people you're supposed to have this visceral reaction to their presence. people scream and shout and point whenever they see someone famous on tv. but ive never,, felt anything? like i went to a lizzo concert with my family, and it was exciting, but not because she was famous; because i got to see a performance. and when that guy came to my choir class (saying who it was might doxx me) i felt nothing? like i recognized him, but i didn't really care as much as it seems normal people do. the most of that "omg famous people ahh" i've ever felt was when my favorite streamer endorsed my work on stream (it's a very small community and i'm one of his regulars) and even then i think it was because of the general admiration of his work that i have. like he makes really good animations. and he thouyght it was cool i made video essays. but like,, it felt the same as getting a compliment from one of your parents, or a sibling-- someone who's opinion you value. i think if i met a famous person in real life and we had an actual conversation, i would be unaffected by that "famous-people fever". and it might be because i dream really vividly (the kinds of dreams you half-believe are reality) and in my dreams i collab with famous people literally all the time. in my dreams i'm the famous one. which doesn't mean i want to be famous that's just literally what happens when i go to sleep at night. my brain has sucessfully convinced itself it's a multimillion sub youtuber when i'm barely at 200. it's really fucking funny thought the famous people in my dreams think i'm so cool. who's gonna tell them that im secretly not cool. i mean shroomi is cool but im not cool in real life. that's not even me being quirky and having self esteem issues i just am legitimately and objectively boring. i have zero real social skills and spend most of my social encounters being completely silent bc i don't know what to say. weirdly enough i don't have this problem when i stream or write scripts but. yeha
whenever im in love eith someone i just wanna ramble about them to every person i meet. except im in love w a person who will never like me back bc she's so cool and interesting and fjfghjfhg i literally just want to. cuddle her?? the lesbianism is lesbianing
i hate being a youtuber as much as i love it. because video essays and animations are fun to make but its like im on drugs 24/7. not even 24/7 actually that's me being dramatic but like whenever i post a video i get this. weird high?? idk. oh wait. i realized while typing this that's just me feeling accomplished about doing something. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA i never feel that!! i guess it's good that i finally feel like im doing something worth doing